Mattspac's Blog

2010-06-20T23:14:00.000-07:00

i know moving away meant you were finally free. free from all the pain that has happened to you here. your father's suicide and your mother running afterwards. i know this sounds selfish but i need you here with me you were the first thing in my life that ever made any sense. i regret never saying that simple three words to you. i wonder to this day if i said i love if you would have left. those 1,120 miles wont stop me if you ever need me. ill be there even i have to run to you.

if your reading this i want you to know i do love you with everything i can love you with.

thoughts

2010-06-06T23:19:00.000-07:00

around a year ago i talked to someone for like a week and it was the best week ever. i wanna talk to her again couple of you know who she is, hell she might even read this blog. iono

2. i want to be teacher- either dealing with like elementary age kids cause any older and im likely to beat the shit outta of them for smarting of or mentally handicap children

2009-11-26T09:08:00.001-08:00

Happy thanksgiving

<3

2009-11-15T20:11:00.000-08:00

my heart was made for you and only you. you ask how i know this? i only answer with i just do. this blog will make no sense but how is that different from any other time.... when im with you nothing but us has to make sense

sitting

2009-11-06T21:40:00.000-08:00

it seems lately that anytime i try to get intersted in a girl something happens. i think i figured out im just destined to be a fuck up and for the rest of my life. i ruly miss what we had just to talk to you would be cool well the person im refering to prolly wont see this so goodbye

my wish

2009-10-13T21:44:00.000-07:00

part of me wishes we were still together and another part wishes i never met you cause now i CANT lice without by my side

eh

2009-09-27T00:10:00.000-07:00

iion what it is we just dont seem like the family we once was. i love you guys. and rayray put it best staing up until school started was awesome we need to go back to that real soon. thats all i gottta say<33

2009-08-07T19:57:00.001-07:00

Almost got arrested

shit

2009-08-05T19:46:00.000-07:00

im tired of being treated like im the new guy. ive been in the department for 2 years now. and when were all having fun joking around then they pull out the whole im still a rookie i havent earned the right to joke around then they get pissed cause i said i wanna better myself and futher my career im so close to saying fuck you all and quiting but i wont cause im not gonna let them get the better of me

hmm

2009-07-30T22:28:00.000-07:00

\And if i had something to say to you i'd whisper it softly,
Kiss you on your rosey lips and never let you off me.
Shiver on your roof and see your face lit by starlight,
Hold you through the night and watch that colorado sunrise.

I've got five fingers on each hand for every mistake that i've made
Cuz my tongue is tied to tonsles and i need to s#!t and shave
Im a shade to pale for handsome and have habits i can't shake
And if you try to take that from me well i'll never be the same

Trainwreck that i am
And i am what i am what i am
A trainwreck, that i am
And i am what i am what i am
A trainwreck

And as long as it's okay with you i think i'll stay right here.
I got no where to go cuz where to go is up to you, dear.
Happy as a clam i see the glimmer in your eyes.
Hold you through the night and watch that colorado sunrise.

No car and never cared cared because i got no place to go.
But in a room, (a single wall?) i couldn't pay a plant to grow
You can try and make this pretty, pick up all my dirty clothes.
And if you never really get me then i guess you'll never know the

Trainwreck that i am
And i am what i am what i am
A trainwreck that i am
And i am what i am what i am
A trainwreck

I've got five fingers on each hand for every mistake that iv'e made
Cuz my tongue is tied to tonsles and i need to s#!t and shave
I'm a shade to pale for handsome and have habits i can't shake
And if you try to take that from me well i wouldn't be the same

Trainwreck that i am
And i am what i am what i am
(colorado sunrise)
A trainwreck
That i am
And i am what i am what i am
(colorado sunrise)
Trainwreck.
That i am
(if i had something to say to you i'd whisper it softly)
And i am what i am what i am
(kiss you on your rosey lips and never let you off me)
A trainwreck
That i am
(shiver on your roof see your face lit by starlight)
And i am what i am what i am
(hold you through the night and watch that colorado sunrise)
A trainwreck.

A&M fire school

2009-07-26T23:14:00.000-07:00

I went to A&M fire school this past week and i had a blast. but the best night was thursday night when we went to rockwells a local bar and got buzzed and then we got into a fight with a buncha aggie fans. yeah thats my idea of fun beating up aggies like a good longhorn would

sadness

2009-07-16T21:02:00.000-07:00

i keep bringing it upon myself. my parents are disapointed in me for who knows what. also i wanted to spend as much time with her as i could this week before she left me for another month and i think that ticked my dad off. but oh well . i wish i had been able to say how i felt. but she seems so happy right now even though she isnt with me and i dont want her to feel what im feeling all i want is her to be happy. i wish i could make more sense when i write these but i write as it pops into my head. i just hope i can be cheered up by sunday. im fighting back the tears right now but i can feel there coming one way or another. well thats it for now i hope she stays happy thats all i want at this point

love

2009-07-15T22:31:00.000-07:00

I love you,

Not only for what you are,

But for what I am

When I am with you.

I love you,

Not only for what

You have made of yourself,

But for what

You are making of me.

I love you

For the part of me

That you bring out;

I love you

For putting your hand

Into my heaped-up heart

And passing over

All the foolish, weak things

That you can’t help

Dimly seeing there,

And for drawing out

Into the light

All the beautiful belongings

That no one else had looked

Quite far enough to find.

I love you because you

Are helping me to make

Of the lumber of my life

Not a tavern

But a temple;

Out of the works

Of my every day

Not a reproach

But a song.

I love you

Because you have done

More than any creed

Could have done

To make me good

And more than any fate

Could have done

To make me happy.

You have done it

Without a touch,

Without a word,

Without a sign.

You have done it

By being yourself.

Perhaps that is what

Being a friend means,

After all.

Roy Croft

SHITNESS

2009-07-13T21:56:00.000-07:00

this day started out great i was having fun then my irl friend came over and we did nothing but watch tv and sit on our asses. then i got on the interwebz and it seem like there is a shit storm goin on. illl admit im not perfect but i dont think that details of someones personall life should be made fun of. i have always felt this way even in high school i would never make fun of who someone slept with. i cant belive thats what some people have stooped to.

just a lil suggesstion and plz dont get mad lets keep the gossip off our twitter and use it what its really for............ ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

trainwreck

2009-07-06T22:46:00.000-07:00

ive become a trainwreck teh past couple of days. my life has been in a downward sprial and i cant be happpy. i havent felt right or wanted or enjoyed anything in a long long long timei cant talk to the one i love because she is in the fucking backwoods of texas. but why would she love me

done

2009-07-04T08:24:00.000-07:00

i was gonna write this blog on my two choices tell her i love her and see what happens or dont tell her and jsut love from a far well it seems my choice was made for me she sends me txt not 20 mins ago saying she met somebody and she was in love. so for now i will love her from far. i will always love her and yeah this blog wiill now become the place where i will post my love for her.

well now i have 2 new choices i will write about

one is weather or not to continue on the path im on and become the best damn firefighter/paramedic in the world

do i just give up. in a way me being a firefighter is putting a serious hold on my social life

a couple of weeks ago was the first time in i dont know how long that i actually had fun with friends well iono im done with this blog i keep looking at the top and its making me sick

update:

imma stay on the path of ff/medic because this town deserves a better class of life saver and im gonna give it them. and in regards to the thing on top all i can say is i will always love her but she has been gone a month and what i thought was missing in my life while she was gone. thinking hard about it ive been talking to this girl i work with and since ive been talking to her i havent felt like i was missing anything iono if this makes any sense but she called me cause she read this and said i shouldnt dwell on stufff and i better not quit the fire department on her i know i ramble a lot but this blog makes sense to me in my head

yeah i

2009-07-01T14:01:00.000-07:00

So here I am with my thoughts of you
And this world I've left for me
Stoic faces when I think of you
And how I once believed
So now you call me, but you know I won't let you through
I've myself to decieve

So leave the memories alone
I don't want to see
The way it is, as to how it used to be
Leave the memories alone, don't change a thing
And I'll hold you here in my memory

So I find me in your garden now
A sad smile for the scene
And all the flowers that we planted now
Taken by the weeds
But in my minds eye, you know they still bloom for me
They stand tall there, in that summer breeze

Leave the memories alone
I don't want to see
The way it is, as to how it used to be
Leave the memories alone, don't change a thing
And I'll just hold you here in my memory

In my memory, yeah

So leave the memories alone
I don't want to see
The way it is, as to how it used to be
Leave the memories alone, don't change a thing
And I'll hold you in my memory

You'll never change
You'll never change
You'll never change
You will never change

2009-06-22T15:37:00.001-07:00

I go on each day as if nothing bad has ever happened to us. we havent ever faught but thats all we ever did i have a better life now please let me live it

Bad person

2009-06-17T20:28:00.000-07:00

im tired of feeling like a bad person cause i dont wanna do something. god dammit i just got home just like you why would i wanna go out and buy you food when your fatass coulda bought it your fucking self. and why in the fuck are you giving me such a hard fucking time about going to A&M for week long fire school. your fatass wont get up to go on calls in the middle of the night you dont deserve to go. im really about to lose it. thank god i have friends that'll listen to me and that watch out for me and are more of a family then your are. im done rambling now FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it just pisses me off

2009-06-17T13:45:00.001-07:00

i love how one min my ipod plays framing henley then go to rascal flats

life truth

2009-06-16T23:11:00.000-07:00

i have come to the conclussion that my irl friends are dumbasses and that i cant stand to be around them. my internet friends are different i can tell yous guys anything and i love yall for it

For her

2009-06-16T18:32:00.000-07:00

i have not slept right since the 7th of june nor jave i been as happy as i have been lately. yes weve talked but its not the same i need you here with me. i have seen a change in myself since we met and started hanging out more and more ive become a happier person and its because of you. i also belived i passed school this semester because of you. i know you will prolly never read this but i needed to say this i love you and i think you love me too. now im just rambling and when i do that i usally grt a fire call which is another thing i love about you. you dont care if i talk about calls to you when i am having a hard time with a call, which is usaully when the patient dies you are there to comfort me and make sure im ok.

no 2 of the night

2009-06-16T00:22:00.000-07:00

I have passed my emt-basic..........finally. This being the second time ive taken the class. Now im moving on to paramedic in the fall and i couldnt be any more afraid. Afraid of failing and dissapointing my family, friends, teachers, and most of all myself. But when I am basically playing parent to the people i live with its kinda hard to focus on anything.

I am making this my offical decloration of intent

I INTEND TO MAKE SURE THAT I DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO PASS EVEN IF IT MEANS CUTTING OF TIES WITH MY WHOLE FAMILY.

SHIT

2009-06-15T23:52:00.000-07:00

well shit i guess i need on of these as im writting this im watching wanted its bad ass